Thank You

Thank you to everyone i have met along the journey of my life,
who gave happiness, sorrow, bitterness, hatred, etc.,
everything that have happened to my life has meaning.
Hopefully i can draw my self nearer to the true of me
according to the way He pictured me at the very first place.
I would like to try many things while others master just only one.
I meet this man, who talked about mastering one subject.
I said he is right.
Trying as many subjects as you wish and like with determination,
I can't say this is wrong.
Many thoughts, opinions, ideas, etc., which have turned me to be
who I am today.
I can't look back to yesterday,
I can't change the history journey of my life,
I can't curse the people who insulted, harassed, humiliated, mocked me,
because i am not the creator of this universe,
who has saved me to have my self completely with
dignity and pride as a female and human being with honor.
I can't keep the broken heart forever,
because this heart of mine belongs to The One,
until at the time I'll share it with "the one":-)
He helps me to forgive them but
still the memories remind inside.
Nothing have been taken away from me,
because He didn't let bad things happen to me.
I believe and trust that.
We learn things from bad and good experience,
ours or others.
From now on,
all i can do is to make a brand new ending,
because going back to yesterday is not the answer.
I am asking for strength to walk and color the half of my next journey.
Thank You.

just mumbling inside, what an attitude, heh...

Just Mumbling

Unnecessary stuff :-)

Deleted item

I delete my photograph, I don’t think I have to put it, beside who want to visit this public blog of mine, even I did tell some friends, I really don’t expect they will drop by… . my blog just a boring stuff…. Ha…ha…..

I am planning to delete, Tuhan, my name, left behind note and my cousin’s blog topic.

But hey, why should I?

It is all about though, idea, opinion, stupidity of mine, etc.

Have I……… or am I confused?

Have I valued my life the whole?

Have I colored my life fully?

Have I tried my very best not to let my self disappointed?

Have I …….

How many times I’ve questioned my self with questions that I can’t really sure answer the whole of questions that have been big questions mark in my head.

I am not sure how will I end my journey of life.

Many males and females will think, write, say, experience that, they grow as a child, teenage, adult, committed partner, suffered, happy, get apart because of divorce or death, the end, ……. bip…bip…, continue to the next level of ……. I don’t know what we say it in “human word”………..

Let’s jump to ……

I am confused of my self, damn *%$#@, crazy to busying my self with a job/jobs, when it/them arrive/s at my doors, I lost my curiosity and spirit, the mood just gone and disappear , or I haven’t come to the stage of urgency. Damn *&%$#@

I just want to eat my self… what?

Who do you think you are………..?

Who do I think I am….?

I worked for a small institution, I like to work there, not with the salary but with what I did there, but I had to go, several times they contacted me, but I lost my bounds.

Then worked for a big company, people said. I was lucky they said, after years, again I had to go. I love my work mates but only some of them I believe who felt and treated me the same.

Several months went by, I met a very charming and warm lady from a company that I applied, she was so interested in me to join the company, and damn&^%$#@ I didn’t know what’s wrong with me I refused it, I did know the work place and mates are nice.

Gee was I crazy? that was what happened. I love this one.

I met this lady several months ago, and said she doesn’t want anyone who works for her doing the profession as a stepping stone. I didn’t get angry, because I am not as a person she assumed, I just laugh and said inside whom do you think you are, what did you do? I believe you’ve been left behind by many of your potential employees. I believe you just too rich not to know how they are struggling for their life, spoil rich woman (how mad I am typing all this, or am I being prejudice to her?) and all I gained that I reported done and paid by my self not by sponsored, not trying to show up but I was very disappointed by her assumption, such bad witch of her. I didn’t defense my self; I just let her won with her wrong assumption. BTW, why should I take all of this to be written?

I met this middle age woman, and how frustrated I was, I felt that I went back to colonialism and Japan era of slavery in Indonesia. Well, she is not that bad, gave a very good understanding by letting me finishing my tasks outside works and follow it with works, but the results and efforts that I will give not even equal. She is nice but it was just diplomacy.

I know that happiness, successful, failure; etc is in the state of mind. But when I will find, do and act to find the match work with dream, since I still have no guts to create it by my self, if I am still confuse with my self.

As the matter of fact I am a person with full dedication when I decided to do things, teachable, and not asking much, but when it turns to unfulfilled promises, unappreciated, betrayed, I will say goodbye, bad attitude, heh…. Or it is just so humane….

November 5, 2007

Now, I am in a state of urgency, yeah !! at last after not engaged with any institutions for months. Lesson from life have taught me a lot. Well I still have to learn many things, life is “an undending learning process”.

What a heck with unpleasant condition, co workers, boss, etc. It’s all in the state of mine. Dream, ask and act, you’ll get what you want. Your desire is my command.

You deserves to get and receive your happiness, what you have to do just forgive others and yourself, let go all bitterness and misery from the past and all new blesses and gifts come to you.

So many times most of us almost all of us, human being treated unfair by ourselves. You wish and dream good things but you ask the opposite, you have to change that attitude. You deserve more, dream, ask and act, and all will be provided for you. I am learning to change the way I think, I believe that my life is beautiful, I believe that I deserve to receive and have my happiness, live my live abundantly.

Thank you.

be always smart and young at heart, monica.

my cousin blogg

Hi bro,
he...3x, i opened your blog, http://www.jacatra.com/jblog
hmm ..... i read one of your teenage revenge post (he...3X)
teenage and youth time, yeah ......
hopefully i can visit you one day.
take care,

left behind notes on August

Last Friday on August 3, my father asked me whether I would like to come visiting his friend. I said yes I would love too. So briefly we went to “high land” up there. Soon we met my father’s friend. He is a nice old man, humble, down to earth person, he doesn’t show he is a wealthy person. Once again I learn hard work, determination, humble, priorities, put aside bitterness, patient, wisdom, etc. (i would better stop here because the rest of the lesson is so political about my beloved country where i have been lived, i don't want to write much about this)

Last three days from August 3 (honestly the whole July)I didn’t sleep well, typing, thinking, reevaluating, some of memories in the past passing by. This evening as usual I accompanied my mom for her singing rehearsal. I was very sleepy, I slept in public transportation.(he..he…he I always sleep in public trans. Such as bus, train, MRT (i don't care, people stared at me, i need to close my eyes, guys), small car, bajaj, becak (human carriage, carriage driven by male) or delman (we call horse carriage in Indonesia by delman), yes I do, I easily sleep when my body and mind exhauted) Along the way to destination – from and back home, my heart was empty, something missing, I didn’t know why, something incomplete. Gee I felt so guilty to my self. Btw I met some work mate, from my previous office. Three handsome guys, hmmm… they are friendly person (ha…ha…. They will be big headed when they read this J ) and I remembered a couple weeks ago I met pak Jonku (stand for Joni kumis (moustache Joni, hi…hi…J )

I missed them so much, my work mates.

Btw I remembered that last month and some week in this August, I have thought of this boy, this boy is cracking; he has bitterness that has not healed. He kept it that way, felling lonely among crowdies (I had ever felt this, sometimes till now), he doesn’t want to be healed or trying to heal by self. A little bit stubborn, I have to say (hello, looks who is talking, hmm….) I just can pray the best for this boy. Hopefully my intuition was not wrong.

August 14, 2007

For 3 days I was in lembang bandung west java, joining a fun and fearless activities. Yup running away from headache he…he…he….

Not engage with an institution yet (some potential firms and excepting me to work with them, I refused politely, my heart&mind hasn’t settled yet, still confuse) , after resigned because of helping my father and brother and taking a short course (or am I running away from commitment, hmmm….). Taking time to aside from routine really make my mind back to sense. Yeah so for years I’ve been fooled my mind. Ho…ho…ho…. Get enlightment now, hopefully.

My Name

One day when i was a little girl, i asked, my old man, why he named me the name that i have used for "every legal things"(certificate, id, etc.)
He answered, what 's a name? i replied, please dad, off course it does matter.
for example ?, he said.
Well, ... we can not call someone by hey...you...., gee it's so impolite.
or you want to say or do something but you don't know the name, that would be hard dad, i tried to argue.
He smiled, why did you ask dear? your friend mocked on you?
No, absolutely, no, dad........ i... just curious. Why didn't you name me Sari, Amelia, Puteri, Cinta, Cing, etc.
Again, he smiled then answered, every parents wants the best for their children, so that they take many prayers on their kids. Your name is a prayer for you and us.
Your grandpa was grown up in Central Java, and the goddess of rice in pewayangan (a traditional show using puppets that show characters of goodness and evil) so we gave you Sri as your first name.
And your second name Monica, it was not a baptized name as many people have guessed, it's an abbreviation from the day you were born that was Mon the first day in a week and you were our first child that's ica (we say it ika in bahasa Indonesia it means one, the first)
And your third name, Indriaty, again an abbr. from my name name and your mom.
And the last, it's a family name.
So can you guess, the meaning of your name dear? my father asked.
I guessed, quite not sure but i think, i said, the first light of hope who was born on Monday the daughter of you and mom, right? i tried for a nodded head from my old man.
And He just smiled.
What a pray i said to my self. I have to make good use of everything inside of me that have been given by my Dad up there and down here plus my mom for others.
Gee, many things have to be done.
O... yeah... what a name? :-)

Experiencing being human

Believe it or not,

With the fullest faith or not,

We are the immortal spiritual creature created by the Almighty God,

With His good characters inside this mortal body,

What a combination ……

We even can’t remember the memory with Him.

We are the spiritual creature who experiencing being human.

One night in bright August, S. Monica

It’s raining hard………….now.

I found him at last but ……

It’s …….countless ages ago.

My dislike turned to like.

My ignorance turned to care.

My care turned to love.

My wanting turned to longing.

My missing turned to deep mourning.

And my unspoken felling that I kept for century of ages,

turned to ashes, wiped away by tears of regret,

but the pain still remains.

Would the deep mourning turn to rejoicing?

Is this the end of my long, long journey or is it just the beginning of………..?

And the rain still raining so hard………

Noon to evening on bright August, S. Monica

Tuhan…

Tuhan… dalam kesendirianMu, ku mencari

Tuhan… dalam janjiMu, ku berharap

Tuhan… dalam keabadianMu, ku menanti

Tuhan… dalam kebisuanMu, ku tahu Engkau ada

Tuhan… dalam HadiratMu, ku datang

Tuhan… dalam KuasaMu, ku berteduh

Tuhan… dalam adilMu, ku percaya

Tuhan… dalam KasihMu, ku rasakan hangatnya cinta

Tuhan… dalam SetiaMu, ku akan tetap bertahan

Tuhan… dalam ciptaMu, ku berkarya

Tuhan… dalam heningMu, ku bersujud

Dan dalam kebenaranMu, ku tunduk patuh…

Pagi hari di bulan Juli 2007 – S.Monica

Note:

(Have you ever experienced, when you wake up in the morning with full of thoughts in your mind that has to be written asap or they will be blown away by wind of ignorance.

Have happened to me many times (maybe since many centuries ago :-)), because i don't want to put them into consideration and leave them as "flower of dream" (free translation for bunga tidur, we call it in bahasa Indonesia).